I just woke up, later then I had planned. I was stuck inside a dream that needed to be lived out because I could not awake until it had run its course and I found myself once more alone in the state of Omaha. As i've written before the only dreams I ever seem to recall upon waking are the vivid life like ones that are almost haunting upon waking. In this dream strange as it was I was in touch with someone I once loved very deeply. Someone that was more of a fairy tale then anything else. Young naive love that could only be matched in fairytells... But for some reason she stayed in my heart for YEARS. I used to think we were soul mates but in this dream we were still writting back and fourth and I was living who knows where at this point...
The twist came when I would get to live another life for minutes or days depending on my when I wanted to jump lives again, the same soul, just another life. She knew who I was and I knew who I was but the out come was always the same it seemed. In some cases we would be head over heals and then it would just end. The details are fading...
I felt a need to write this because I feel stained from this dream and I wondered why I had it...
Why did this dream come to life.
And really, I feel that it was a real reflect from somewhere deep inside that I really need to let go of these foolish things that bind me in this state of mind. I can't let go of people, of places of memories but I never really appreciate what I have until it is gone. And I always regret, some times instantly and most often for years. Time seems to age my memories like a fine cheese. The attachments I used to have almost grow stronger then the attachments I actually have.
I want to look into another therapist and I want to make this something to work on because I really feel stuck all the time, caught between then, now and tomorrow. To the point where I feel so much time wasted. So many new connections, new adventures, new personal growths lacking or in most cases missed out entirely. There is something haunting me deep inside and a compulsion to always look back. Always....
I feel strange today.
I feel aware of the problem and I am trying to be conceous of it, to just be here, today. now.
But I do... I feel the complusion fighting. It is hard to explain. I've fought it before. I won for a few years but it toke a lot of time alone and the strength to be aware of myself and change my thought process if required.
I just feel haunted today. It is hard to express....
There was some amazing imagery and some amazing connections with someone who I never had any of thost shared connections with. It was so one sided and we are completely different people. A bliss of another kind, is something Tori Amos wrote that had always fit. It toke me half my life to finally see that most of what I had with this girl was in my head and hopes. And more often then not it was not shared. Yet tonight in a dream upon waking, for a short while it was lived out. Deeply in one life. Closely but again... The End always came. As if to say, it is not meant to be. Wake up. Face a new day. Move on.
Some part of me just wanted to keep sleeping.
It was taxing to toss off the blanket this morning.
But. Time is short in more ways then one but right now work is growing close and I need a quick shower. My heat is back on, so I can actually enjoy a shower!
This song has been locked inside my head since waking...